Matt Damon

According to Wikipedia I am “an American actor, producer, and screenwriter.” I am also a husband, father and avid Youtube viewer. Of my many upcoming theatrical projects I’m most excited about The Last Duel, directed by Ridley Scott and set to be released in October of 2021. I’m my own bae.

Movies That I Am In (Some Spoilers)

I’m not in a good place right now. My friendship with Casey Affleck has waned tremendously, and I am currently typing this while pretending to use my one phone call in prison. What went wrong, you may ask? Sit down. The Damon shall tell you a story.

It was May 22nd when the troubles first began. I was playing charades with Casey, as we often do, but when it was my turn to go and I began miming the action of listening to jazz music, he had no idea what I was trying to show. He wasn’t even close. He guessed “swimming” and “sitting” which are both really stupid and basic. From that point forward I began to suspect that he wasn’t such a cool guy.

Fast forward three days later. We’re at the local Walgreens, shopping for bread and tomato paste, when out of the corner of my eye I see the man himself. Ben Affleck. I, of course, had filed a restraining order against him after the incident, and was shocked at the pure malice and arrogance he must have had to come into that very store- he knows it’s my favorite Walgreens! I was furious, and so, following my own advice for what to do with lame nerds, I ran up and punched him. And, despite asserting my dominance quite clearly, he didn’t apologize and run off! No! He pressed charges! 

The staff and customers are all set to testify against me. And Casey, oh good god, Casey! That scourge upon my good health! We spoke briefly as I was taken into custody- that absolute scoundrel is planning to support his brother in all this. I bet he’s been spying on me from the start, goading me into calling him cool and hip as Ben watched from the sidelines, giggling with pure glee. Those monsters. 

But I’ll show them. I may be in police custody but I’m still rich, and I’m not going down in any way shape or form, especially legally, without a good fight. They won’t know what hit them.

Which brings me to this scene. As any good defendant knows, a big part of winning is maintaining a positive attitude in the face of adversity. And what better cultivator for such an attitude than the best film I have ever been in? Make no mistake, The Martian (2015) is my masterpiece, but The Great Wall (2016) is my personal favorite film, not just that I have starred in, but of all time. Allow me to provide you with a brief history.

I was cast as mercenary William Garin after making a bet with... a former friend over who could be in the most successful action film of 2016. His film ended up making a bit more money than mine, as audiences were sadly but understandably not mentally prepared for the sheer amount of amazingness that is The Great Wall (2016), but we both ending up losing to the new Marvel thing. This  was a crushing blow for him, but it also meant a draw, which was fine by me.

It is to date my favorite role.

In this scene, the climactic set-piece of the film, Jing Tian’s character Lin Mae uses some sort of explosive to jettison the two of us out of a window. We then use the power of rope to swing around a large building, avoiding the alien antagonists of the film. 

At the premiere I was of course in awe at how cool and epic this scene is, much like the rest of the film, but I was also deeply confused, as I did not remember filming it, or many other moments found throughout the film. I questioned the director, Zhang Yimou, and was surprised to find that approximately 90% of what we had shot thad been completely thrown out, replaced entirely with audio and visuals generated by a computer. Of the film’s 103 minutes only five natural minutes remained, that of course being the scene in which Willem Dafoe’s character Sir Ballard blown up along with several bandits. Keeping this scene in was very important to Dafoe’s estate, who demanded it be used after he and multiple extras were killed by a faulty fake explosive.

Ok, I feel better now. It is time to legally trump my enemies, once and for all!

*alien noises* (read description for context)

In early 2018, I joined the cast of Ford v Ferrari (2019) as Carroll Shelby. I knew (and still know) next to nothing about cars or racing, but was excited to join Christian Bale and play an exciting, dashing, handsome race car driver/leading man. It wasn’t until I read the script that I discovered my character was actually a former race car driver, and a current nerd. Unfortunately, at that point I had already signed a contract. Oh well. I made money. 
It is to date one of my favorite roles.
In this scene, I yell at Bale’s character (Ken Miles) about how hard designing a car is, since that is my character’s job and he’s a whiny know-it-all. You may notice how unconfident my delivery of this line is- as mentioned above I am unfamiliar with car culture, and so I don’t really know the meaning behind technical terms like “grid” or “wheel”. Director James Mangold refused to explain either to me; he was subsequently added to my list. Bale responds to this flimsy screech of a line by punching me in the face, as he should. If any of you, my loyal viewers, are arrested for punching a loser, annoyance, and/or gamer, I’ll gladly pay all legal fees. It’s time cool people like Casey Affleck and I rose up and inherited the earth from the dumb and stupid. This is our time! THIS IS OUR HOUR!

knock it off

During the filming of superhero comedy Deadpool 2 (2017), I agreed to appear in the film in a cameo role, alongside noted beard-grower Alan Tudyk. As I have mentioned before I generally despise Marvel “films” and refuse to appear in them, but agreed to appear in this scene- in which I diss toilet paper as an inferior way to clean yourself- because it posed a serious challenge to my acting capabilities; as I’m sure you all know, I have nothing but good things to say about the toilet paper industry, and spent three months preparing for what I currently consider the character that is most different from me (that I have played anyway, I have very few similarities with characters such as the Phantom of the Opera, or that guy from Titanic).
It is to date one of my favorite roles.
In this scene, I begin to explain to Tudyk’s character, Redneck #1, a hypothetical involving him waking up with feces on his cheek, and potentially his beard. He reacts with disgust and confusion, not yet realizing how great I am at explaining things (see my previous video “good dream” for further evidence of my excellent oratory capabilities). What a fool- unlike my main man Casey Affleck.

hypothetically

the thing

On April 1st, 2021, Ben Affleck played a “prank” on me, attempting a hostile takeover of my very popular and monetarily successful YouTube channel. Had I not caught wind of this dastardly scheme once he posted one, terrible, abhorrent video, he no doubt would have wrecked my reputation and gotten me canceled.
This is to date one of my least favorite pranks.
Ben, I know you’re reading this. Fuck you. Casey Affleck is my new best friend.

the damon is back

this channel is now run by Ben Affleck, sorry haters.

my stance on friends

Around late 2010 and early 2011- I’m not really sure, that whole period is kind of hazy- I was cast as some loser I’d never heard of named Benjamin Mee in his biopic We Bought A Zoo (2011). I was ultimately convinced to accept the part by director Cameron Crowe, who gave me a pretty sweet mixtape in return.
It is to date one of my favorite roles.
In this scene, I scream at my teenage son for not wanting to buy the titular zoo, and explain to him how wanting to buy the zoo is actually a good dream, because of its cool animals and cool people. This tirade causes him to break down and begin crying, convinced that I’m throwing away our family’s money and future because of a childish and selfish fantasy. I guess he wasn’t listening when I mentioned how cool the animals were.

good dream

In late 2014, Paul Greengrass coerced me into starring in a fourth Jason Bourne film (technically fifth but come on, without The Damon it doesn’t count.) This film would end up being the creatively titled Jason Bourne (2016). Most people really didn’t like it, but I don’t know, I thought it was cool.
To date, Jason Bourne is still one of my favorite roles.
In this scene, I get into a brief struggle with the villain of the picture, creatively titled The Asset (played by Vincent Cassel). The two of us make various guttural noises before I throw Cassel against a wall. At the premiere I was shocked to discover that this was the take Greengrass used, as due to an on-set mishap where a prop wall was replaced with a real wall in between takes, the impact Cassel experienced after I threw him resulted in eighty-seven of his bones being broken, and eleven more being fractured. Cassel swore vengeance against me after that day. I would be scared but, you know, eighty-seven broken bones.

*grunt*

six subscriber special

In 1997, Robin Williams told me a very funny joke about his wife farting.
It is to date one of my favorite jokes.
In this clip, you see me as I am in the middle of reacting to hearing the joke for the very first time. I found it so funny that my laugh turned into a wheeze. While he is not in frame, Ben Affleck was standing off to the side during our conversation; at this moment he was staring at us, totally confused, unable to understand the comedic genius that is farting.